GUEST BLOG – Brooklyn Eats

We are finally back with a post from Caroline’s bestest pal Haley, a fellow underemployed 20something, no less! Check out this funny lady on her blog or follow her on instagram @hetraub  or grow a beard (please) and hang out at one of these places to find out more about her.

As an underemployed twenty-something living in the up-and-coming Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn, there are three things that occupy my thoughts most of the time: money, food, and dudes. I would like to take a moment to talk about the latter two (as thinking about the first causes me to have a panic attack and lose the ability to type and I really need to finish this blog post).

Food and dudes. Both can be found in large quantities in my part of Brooklyn (it’s the quality that might not be as easily found), and as any gal will know, take-out Chinese will come to you no matter what after a long work week. And as for that bearded dude with the absurd yet slightly endearing tattoo of his mom on his arm that you met the other night at Brooklyn Bowl who asked for your Twitter handle before your phone number? He’s busy live-tweeting about the Friday night lineup at his roommate’s new bike shop/coffee house/whiskey distillery/music venue. That’s why I give you…

HALEY’S TOP FIVE BROOKLYN RESTAURANTS THAT ARE BETTER THAN ANY DUDE NO MATTER HOW BEARDED, TATTOOED AND SLIGHTLY PUDGY HE MAY BE*

*substitute for whatever you find attractive

Calexico
Greenpoint
645 Manhattan Ave

calexico

Ladies, let me tell you something: no man will ever be as good as these nachos (yes, I’m single, but that’s beside the point). Roasted corn, black beans, guacamole, cheese, pico de gallo, sour cream, jalapenos… Sorry, love life, was that you? I couldn’t hear you over the tiny angelic choir singing around my oversized plate of gooey heaven. 

Roberta’s
Bushwick
261 Moore St

roberta's

Wood-burning oven pizza at its absolute finest. The ‘Green and White’ is my favorite when it’s on the menu (the selection is constantly changing and rotating—try something new each time!) but you honestly cannot go wrong with any of their pizzas. I could eat two whole pizzas on my own, and let’s be real: some dudes just can’t handle a two pizza lady.

Pies-n-Thighs
South Williamsburg
166 S 4th St

pies

I love breakfast. I love sandwiches. I love breakfast sandwiches. I love breakfast sandwiches served on freshly made biscuits with cheese and bacon and avocado and an egg that oozes when you dive in and makes you realize that, okay, maybe I can order two and say my boyfriend is on his way but then just eat both, throw money down on the table and leave before anyone knows any better.

The Commodore
Williamsburg
366 Metropolitan Ave

commodore

Speaking of Pies-n-Thighs…their chef is now frying up some chicken at The Commodore, and he’s not in the business of helping you keep a boyfriend. The fried chicken plate comes with three perfectly battered and fried pieces of chicken with an assortment of dipping sauces, and two biscuits with honey butter. Find an open table and get comfortable, you’re going to be here a while. (Not because it takes long to eat. It’s because you’re going to be trying to figure out how to change your “Interested in” on OKCupid to “fried chicken” after you’re done.)

Brooklyn Farmacy & Soda Fountain
Carroll Gardens
513 Henry St

farmacy

A little out of the Williamsburg-Greenpoint-Bushwick playground that I tend to run around in, but certainly worth it for a killer dessert. Mix and match homemade sodas with delectable ice cream flavors or be like me and go for a sundae the size of your face—my favorite being the “Sundae of Broken Dreams” (vanilla ice cream with salted caramel and broken pretzel pieces, topped off with a mountain of whipped cream). I’ve heard licking whipped cream off a lover’s nose can be cute. I prefer to wear it home on my face as a badge of “I ate a sundae by myself and didn’t have anyone to tell me how much of a mess I made” honor.

 

 

 

 

One final disclaimer: should you, at any of these restaurants, encounter a dude who seems interested in you no matter how much grease, cheese, egg, cream, etc. you have on yourself, DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY. A man who can handle a lady who eats is a real man. Change your Facebook relationship status with pride.

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